Strategies for managing conflict and promoting positive communication with your teenager

By Dinuka Ranasinghe

The Parenting Evolution, Conscious Parenting Coach and Long Beach Moms since 2019

Can we all agree that conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but it can be particularly challenging when it comes to parenting teenagers.  Why is this so?  Our teenagers are at a stage in their lives where they are striving for independence, trying to establish their own identities, and testing boundaries (any memories of when they were 3, 4 and 5 year olds?).  There is a repetition in some phases of life.  

As a parent, it can be tough to navigate this phase of your child’s life and manage conflicts in a positive way. However, with the right strategies and techniques, you can foster positive communication and manage conflicts with your teenager with love, compassion and connection.

Here are some effective strategies for managing conflict and promoting positive communication with your teenager:

First, ask yourself the question, “What is the image I have of a teenager and/or my teenager?”

It’s always a good idea to see what your starting point is.  If this image hasn’t been working for you, then it’s time to change it.  If we understand that teenagers are learning for themselves some very significant life skills, whether you like what they’re doing or not.  Read further for this to make sense.

I am honored and privileged to work with a group of amazing teenagers.  I decided this was the best opportunity to get their feedback on their ‘image of an adult’ and this was the concensus: “adults expect teenagers to behave like adults but we are treated like children.”  Let that sink in.  There is truth to this statement. 

Listen actively: When your teenager expresses their thoughts or feelings, try to actively listen without interrupting or dismissing their concerns. This helps to build trust and create an open dialogue between you and your teenager.

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”― Stephen R. Covey

Bringing awareness first of all to how much listening you actually do is a start. 

• Get curious.  This goes hand in hand with the listening.  Getting curious means asking questions.  This also means, not being sarcastic or rhetorical.  Genuinely wanting to know what your child means when they say, “I hate it when you….”.   Be realistic and sincere.  It helps to release yourself of the traditional mindset of a parent having hierarchy over a child.  
• Do not try to ‘fix it’.  Take a step back and be the empathetic ear.  Surrender to needing to ‘teach’ or ‘give them a lesson’.  Ask for permission to give advise.  Showing teenagers respect is what models mutual respect.  
• Leave your own ‘projections’ at the door.  Meaning, drop any stories or assumptions.  Stay present to what is happening in this moment: Not your past, their past, or fear of the future will help resolve the present conflict. 
• Empathize. Validate emotions: Adolescence can be an emotional rollercoaster, and it’s important to validate your teenager’s emotions, even if you don’t agree with them. Let them know that their feelings are valid and that you are there to support them.

Use “I” statements: Instead of blaming or accusing your teenager, use “I” statements to express how their actions or words make you feel. This helps to avoid defensiveness and can create a more productive conversation.

• Pick your battles: Not every disagreement or argument is worth fighting over. Consider the importance of the issue at hand and whether it is worth the potential conflict. Focus on the big picture and try to maintain perspective.
• Set boundaries and expectations compassionately: Establish clear boundaries and expectations with your teenager. This can help to prevent conflicts before they arise and create a sense of structure and stability for your teenager.  Remember to use your ‘values’ as the guidepost
• Compromise and Collaborate: When conflicts do arise, try to find a compromise that works for both parties. Encourage your teenager to come up with solutions and brainstorm together to find a resolution.  Bringing them into the conversation helps them be accountable too.  Trust that they are capable.  This goes back to #1.  Collaboration also gives them the opportunity to learn one of the greatest life skills in any and all relationships. 
• Use humor: Humor can be a powerful tool for diffusing tension and creating a more relaxed atmosphere. Use it appropriately to lighten the mood and help your teenager feel more comfortable expressing themselves.
• Take a break: If the conflict becomes too heated or overwhelming, it’s okay to take a break and come back to the conversation later when everyone has had a chance to cool down.
• Seek professional help: If conflicts with your teenager become too difficult to manage or you are struggling to communicate effectively, consider seeking professional help from a therapist, counselor or coach.

Connection with your child is of utmost importance!  Be gentle and compassionate with yourself too.  No one situation is ever the same.  Try a few of the above and see how it impacts your relationship with your teenager.  Would love to know. 

All the above will help with this CONNECTION.

You can do this!  

Happy Connecting!